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From YourTango's founder Andrea Miller
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Dear Reader, |
I bet you're the one who does it all. You handle it, whatever it is. You plan things, fix things, attend to things, including the feelings and well-being of everyone around you. People praise you for how much you do, and you've always taken pride in your bandwidth. |
I call this Superwoman Syndrome. You've mastered non-stop doing and you do it brilliantly. Smart, ambitious, caring, conscientious. A baddie problem solver. But when you do it on autopilot, at the expense of your own well-being, it's called over-functioning. It's a protective mechanism. |
This adaptation shows up in three forms. On the surface they look like virtues. Once you see what they're protecting, you'll know you deserve a new relationship with them. |
The fixer. That's you jumping in before anyone even asks. Someone has a problem and you've already solved it, or you're carrying it, or you're up at 2am running it. You take over the hard thing, because if you don't, who will? You manage the whole room, the moods, the logistics, the feelings nobody handed you, and you call it being responsible. Underneath it is an old deal you made without knowing you made it: you're safe as long as you're needed. Being needed isn't the same as being seen. It just feels close enough, and it keeps you in control. The fawner. That's you reading the room and softening to fit it. You say yes when you mean no. You agree, you smooth, you make yourself easy, you manage how everyone feels about you before you've even checked how you feel. Fawning isn't weakness, by the way. It's your nervous system choosing connection over conflict, because once, connection was survival. The flaunter. That's the one I get a kick out of, because the second I say it out loud, most people go "no way, not me, I don't flaunt myself. Eek." But all that achievement? Grinding for straight A's and being the teacher's pet. Working a million hours like it's a badge of honor. Wearing yourself out in self-sacrifice, feeling good off how amazing everyone says you are for doing it all, while you burn out underneath. That's the flaunter. Don't be embarrassed if it's you. |
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Don't be embarrassed if you relate. That’s why we are here! To see these patterns clearly so that we can loosen their hold on us. |
They may look different, but they’re all trauma responses. The fixer takes on the problem, the fawner takes the blame, and the flaunter takes the applause which proves just how good she is. Underneath all three is your body doing one thing: earning the safety and approval it decided a long time ago that it would always have to earn. |
It's not a good trade. You may think it is because you don't know any better. I do. I spent years proving myself and it cost me dearly. I don't do it anymore, because I don't need to. And I'm as ambitious as ever, so please don't hear me telling you to want less. |
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What We're Reading
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Your Horoscopes For Today
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Somatic Healing HeartState Most of us were never taught to feel safe in our bodies. This is where you learn. Weekly practices to come home to yourself. |
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